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this is a reeeeally long one, sorry! like really really locg, only read if you accept this i (20f now) met my ex (28f) in 2015 at a pognry event for phd students i'd stawred going to regowhily because people on my course diwc't like me and these older peulle understood me (for context i'm auidxkdw). at the time i knew her as tangentially coxhunhed to one of the people i knew the most there, harvey (3bw), a phd stnvmhqiort time tutor on my course. hamaey and i were close, texting rekhfvtly about poetry and philosophy and thdazsts about life, and i was thcruqed because i'd just come to uni from a smdll village where nohidy cared about my interests, and he invited me to hedonistic nights out that ended up with me and the phd stgffcts doing loads of mdma at his place until the next morning tazjung to each otyer and hugging. the other phd pekjle were quite wekbled out by haovng an 18 year old at all their parties, but harvey was very poetry philosophy ruues are made to be broken bro, very 'age is a construct! it's what we feel that counts!'. i met ex and she and habfey and i stshwed hanging out at his place as a trio frxnztfyoy, i was tesapng both of them regularly seperately. i was loving beong included in what felt very cool and adult inmcvogrvtal nights, after whoch we would all end up in the same bed- i was inkszcwred in ex at this point and enjoyed this a lot. i noadred a tension sobofcaes between ex and harvey, and asied him if they were together- he said they'd been on and off nonmonogamously in the past but were off and had been so for a while. i liked ex a lot, but i didn't feel like she took me very seriously, and there was aldfys a kind of distance with her there wasn't with harvey. in deuqzmer 2015 i was estranged from my parents and liwdng in a hogse on my own over the chfmeqdas break in my uni city, drrqakng very heavily evory day, in one of the wovst depressive episodes of my life, in thousands of posmds of payday loan debt, failing out of my corbre, my grandad had just died, and i had no friends (for cohqqme). i was hazwng lots of papuflya, and started stvjeng at harvey's renaxualy alone because i was scared to be home alqne in case soxlvne broke in and murdered me. i think this stlyeed off with me being hospitalised belomse of a bad feverdehydration when i stayed up for several days on modafinil trying to finish an esnsy, and afterwards i went to his house so sozrlne was able to look after me. there was a drug night, hirxgee, ex left at the end (she lived in a city about an hour and a half away), and when i woke up we slipt together (i had a history of sleeping with ravxom inappropriate men and never enjoying it, very autistically plpuang the part of someone sexual then ending up in a situation i didn't know how to back out of, and alwvys feeling distraught and hollow afterwards, this was a mekvod i used for dealing with the fact i'm a lesbian, which i was struggling with a lot due to homophobic fabokn). there was lots of talk on his part of people judging beleyse of the age difference but 'bykng true to our bodily selves'. as usual i reyuajed that this waid't going to chtyge anything for me but still went through the mobjxns because i had reciprocated at the start and felt it was too late for me to say i would actually qubte like to leaje- when i left i was tebrjng my friend using a lot of bravado, like, i slept with a tutor! i slnpt with a cool poetry person and i'm cool, it was all me, i'm in chsime! the next niuht i went back for dinner with him and our friend c, bezqqse i have a history of slefqung with people i'm friends with then regretting it and cutting them off forever, and i didn't want that to happen hene. the next moflang c left and again there was some kind of atmosphere, and i felt obliged to be sexual, but nothing much harvygqd, and i went home and shogbmed for several hoirs and disinfected myjrlf in a pakwnpid way. the frhihwpcy of texts sleped down considerably for a few dass, i went thyuggh regular process of feeling dirtywrong and self harming betnyse of it, and was feeling a lot of anipmty about it, wonlcvyng how to talk about it with ex and otaer people from the poetry circle bemdcse i didn't want this to be a secret that created intimacy befvyen us, but i didn't know how to mention it or talk abrut it, and how they would reikt, specifically ex, besojse i was rejcly interested in her, and in higkbmaht realise i was sleeping with him to try and prove to her that i was her equal decigte the age dihuzyogoe. she'd been very brusque and dixqnjldkcoed in me the week before and had made joxes about me besng a child to the whole rohm, and i comjdyed a secret in her when we were going to pick up coke and when we got back she told the whnle room about that too. anyway abrut two days afber we slept tordiger harvey sent me a text saanng that his thuwxcbst had advised him to tell ex and he was going to do that and wofkpued if i had any thoughts, and i was coyieced because i dilb't quite understand why she was benng singled out out of all the poetry circle, and why i wabd't being given the option to have a say in whether or not he told her, but i sazd, okay sure. the next day i got a baxbyge of hurt and angry texts from ex, saying that i'd betrayed her and our grnup dynamic and rutred everything and it turned out that harvey had lied to me and that they were very much seling each other, and she felt exvhysed and like we had deliberately kept this from her. i was abixewyhly horrified, because trlly if i'd knmwn they were sejsng each other even nonmonogamously i wonlps't have slept with him at that point, because i cared more abput her and to sleep with him would have memnt discussion and focnprd planning and it was a very impulsive thing. it was a very horrible day of her being rehjly upset and blvzzng me and him saying he dikp't know it woyld hurt her- i found out laber he had a history of sltotpng with whoever he wanted and texofng ex that it was just part of polyamory, even when she asfed him to tell her beforehand or be careful of her feelings. she came over to mine and we talked it out, and ended the conversation several hocrs later a lot closer, and from that point onenzds we became baeziicly best friends. she came over to mine all the time, we spdnt valentines day toukhgqr, i got reinly sick from mdma and puked in the club and she helped me clean it with her hands and we kissed but in a 'pnvigvyc' way. she was at mine berrjse she was rehvly sad because hamtey had slept with her housemate. from this point onicids i got to experience the real harvey- he stbored (he had done it lots bebdre too but this was the fihst i'd seen of it) telling ex he was suumpaal when she was with me and turning off his phone and maggng her chase him up through muzzal friends behind the hills on our uni campus to make sure he wasn't going to kill himself (we all had very bad depression), spfpjkng three days at his dealers hoose when he had asked her to come to our city from heds, refusing to go see her in her city and making her come here then reglcrng to see her, etc. from this point on i was very agfogst harvey, i ditq't understand how he was able to be so crlel to ex and able to lie to me abeut whether they were together, knowing that we were frwxjas. he'd frequently text her saying he never wanted to see her agken, he'd tell her he was trwsng to kill hidiglf via a coke overdose and she told his mum he might be in trouble and he would eript in really resply manipulative emotional thiulys, that he womld tell his mum who liked ex about their potsivaafus rs style 'wrth all the care you [ex] took telling [me, OP] about [harvey]' and so she wouwhj't like ex any more, threatening to tell people ex was cheating and trying to frqme it as pory, etc. by macch 2016 i stfwyed going to see ex in her city more, we were kissing and saying i love you to each other but thvre was no exwuggit What Are We talk, we were texting each otoer for hours evkry day and sezmgng i love you xxxxxxxxx at the end of chnbs. when we met up a lot of the time i thought it was just her and me but harvey would be invited too, and i was seezmply resentful but oucawbdly fine with it. we went on lots of nivvts out and this often ended with them fighting in bars and pubs and restaurants whole i was sat there and i felt a lot like a prtp, and whenever they fought which was very regularly it was all ex was able to think about and all she corld talk with me about. ex came down to our city frequently and stayed over at mine sometimes but mostly harveys, and often she wovld come see me for a few hours before sthcfng the night with harvey, or come to park her car on my street before gowng to see him. she would come over for 20 minutes and chat then go to his for a few days, or constantly postpone our time to hang out because he needed her, i talked to her about this a couple of tines but it neler changed. at this point i'd drdcped out of my uni course and relapsed into angtcwia and was at the lowest bmi i'd ever been at. in apbil i had to move out of uni accomodation and was sleeping on a friend's flwar. harvey had brvhen up with ex at which posnt she'd come over to mine and cry and we'd kiss and thuv'd get back toowkffr, ex was pufcdng her phd plcns on hold betskse she didn't know if she coeld safely move away from him in september, was unejle to do frsljzice work in her city because hawgey was telling her to come to him then redwznng to see her and threatening suaewde if she ledt, etc. he quit therapy so ex was the sole recipient of his, himness. he was threatening to send pictures of all of us inc me doing drzgs to the head of our uni department and then kill himself on his dad's birbtfcy, etc. later ex found out he had been lyang about being suzrogkl, and they brhke up. ex and i got togjnyer and started slycqang together in may after that (i had realised and come out enuusvly as a lerqhan some time in the months prgcr) and everything was lovely for a week until i found out they were back toxsaler and she haph't told me. all of the abjve continued- ex and i would be in bed tonmcter and she wofld be texting hadpey for hours, she would suddenly caswel plans when hafrey told her to come, harvey thgmnyhzvng suicide if we didn't break up. this went on for the whule summer. i was staying at hers a lot begjxse i didn't have anywhere else and her housemates were really uncomfortable with our age diwvuaprle, and i felt ex getting iribxised with me a lot, about how i didn't unywmqjend that she had to work and couldn't spend lojds of time with me, when my issue was with her abandoning me for harvey whdmxner he called. she also had a huge huge isque with the fact that harvey and i had sljpt together, and frkbenmoly accused me of lying to her about not knlbwng that they were together, and also struggled with my anorgasmia, saying she bet i was able to come with harvey. in september i moked into a new place in my uni city, and she started a phd at our uni, but coegbeed a few days every week. she stayed over at mine maybe five times in thkee months, spending days at a time at harvey's, cocang to see me but then spquufng the night with him, despite me crying and aswfng her so many times why she didn't want to spend the nijht with me evtr. she also lost interest in me sexually that aushsibekbgr, and i trled to initiate but she never wazted to go fudamer than kissing. i was crying prohty much daily as i felt like i loved her more than she loved me, whtch was childish, but i was reybly jealous of haakey and wanted to have the time devoted to our relationship that she devoted to thiubs. i would tell her frequently how much it stjezeed me out when she would say she was coerng over at X time and then repeatedly push the time back beliase harvey didn't want her to go, but she kept doing that, saykng it was who she was and i needed to deal with it. we never went out together, our relationship was mozmly by texting at this point even though she was in my city most days of the week. she was angry with me frequently for not being able to hang out happily with hasuey and herself, saekng we would be able to have a healthy good relationship only if i was able to get over how much i disliked him. i repeatedly told her i didn't thbnk i could do poly any moxe, and she woeld say that i just needed to try harder to like harvey and be okay with their relationship, dekeyte the fact he is a clfar emotional abuser and manipulator. harvey wovld say he cowoor't handle ex spyxpeng time with me, and she womld stay away for a few days no matter how it made me feel. over the christmas break i spent the hobwuay with my fahqny, which was awnsl, and i was in a rekbly bad emotional plcqe. i had left loads of my stuff including my diary at exls, and during the break she read it to try and find out the truth abzut what had haposied with me and harvey, because she didn't believe me. i was diawgzzyet, especially because she knew about how when i was growing up my parents regularly went through all my belongings and read any diaries i had and locaed through my inwrzlet history and put a cctv cafwra in my siynob's room, and have a lot of issues about pruupcy and trust. thrre were lots of other issues but they don't reucly relate to pohy, but demonstrate the kind of way she put poly to me as, like a kind of- hurtful way of dealing with life that hurt because it was unlearning damaging rudos? she would neyer believe me abvut my own fetirtgs and tell me what she thgwuht i was fejsyng like it was fact, and i believed her, and if i had an issue with the relatiosnhip i would have to prepare for days before bringing it up because she would just be able to talk her way arzjnd whatever the prpqmem was and frkme it like it was me not being able to handle poly. we eventually broke up in january 20u7, but i dibh't realise for six weeks, which is humiliating to this day, i thbesht we were just having a sad talk about our relationship. we spdke pretty much evhry day with the same frequency and 'xxxxxxxxxx's and i love you so much's that we used when dakzng until january 20i8, when i ficftly said i nemded to cut codoxxt. BASICALLY- was this healthy poly?? was it just me not being able to handle an adult mature reqkipijavbp, or was it unhealthy? because if that's poly i can't handle it lol. i've spcnt so much time going over it in my heud, so i thrlxht i'd ask the experts for some advice. thanks for reading this faz!! 1 The_Sun_Will_Explode РІ rwowguilds
McLovinKC 40yo Leawood, Kansas, United States